Burden
by Kenza Valentine
Summary: Their eyes never encountered sleep ever since then. Drowning in guilt and surrender after losing humanity's hope, her hope, Mikasa plains her concerns to the only person she'd ever find with her now on, Rivaille who's been trying his best to retrieve her lost self.


Rivaille's gaze wandered in the ceiling of his cold, empty room as he lied down on his bed, he finally had a chance to rest from all the work that kept him stuck in his office for the whole day.  
Sleep wasn't close friends with him anymore ever since the incident. Ever since humanity lost its so called 'Last Hope.', ever since Eren Jaeger died. Sure it was a huge loss for humanity, but most importantly... There was this person, who used to be so attached to Eren, so attached to him that when he died, she gave up her own life. Mikasa Ackerman, the one worth hundred soldiers, became one of the most useless soldiers as ever and yet, Erwin had Rivaille in charge of taking care of her, training her, becoming her teacher, her best friend, her everything. And he was having hard times doing it, not to mention their relationship was never friendly to begin with. Mikasa got her strength back after four weeks of training, yet she was never the same, she was dead as ever, she was a body with no soul. Why does it hurt so much to see her like that? Rivaille thought as he closed his eyes. He forgot what rest tasted like, he would always stay up thinking, thinking about a way to revive the old Mikasa Ackerman, a way to rescue her lost soul before it manages to fly away from him, but his hand wouldn't reach it no matter how many times he tried catching it.

Mikasa never slept since that day either, the day that kept repeating itself over and over inside her head. It was her sworn duty for her to protect him, even if it meant killing herself in the process. /And she failed/. Mikasa, as usual, was outside staring up at the stars. The cold never really bothered her anyway, she felt as if she deserved all the pain she was feeling. 'I'm such a disappointment...' Mikasa thought as she stared up at the sky. She looked down and stared at her cut up wrist. 'I deserve this...' Mikasa felt as if she was crying, she felt all the emotions however there were no tears running down her cheeks. There was only pain. "Tch..." Mikasa mumbled as she rolled down her sleeve, covering the scars that she marked on herself. She was going to stay out here tonight. Lay here in the cold. She then looked up to Rivaille's window. 'He is still awake...' Thought Mikasa. She then looked away. She knew he was her teacher, carer, her friend, her everything. But she knew, perhaps, that in truth, Rivaille didn't care. 'If he does come, it will show he cares. If not, I won't even bother...' Mikasa thought, then resumed to look up at the stars.

Rivaille closed his eyes, he needed to sleep tonight, he /had/ to sleep so he could wake up early, he still has alot of work to do, his responsibilities only doubled after all that mess. But he couldn't, he just fucking couldn't sleep when his mind was somewhere else, when all that's been running in his head lately was that girl, when all he's been thinking about all the daylong was how to get her to lighten up, to smile even for one damn second. "Fuck it all," He cursed under his breath and pushed the blanket off his body, he then sat up and looked out his window. Noticing how it was a perfect night to spend outside staring at the stars. Without a second thought, Rivaille got up and left his room, walking down the hallway, he had stopped near the girls' dorms, wanting to check on Mikasa, but after he heard Sasha and Historia's voices, he thought she'd be with them and as always she wouldn't be talking, so he let out a sigh and continued walking until he finally stood outside. It was a bit cold and he regretted not bringing his coat with him, but he wasn't going back inside anyway. And when he made few steps forward, he could see her... He could see Mikasa sitting on the bench, looking up at the stars and his eyes softened. She was there, alone... Maybe he shouldn't bother her? He wondered as he walked in her direction, thinking that saying 'hi' wouldn't heart anyway. "Mikasa..." He called her name before he was finally standing in front of her.

Mikasa really wanted to be alone. She stared up at Rivaille once he stood in front of her. She stayed silent for a few before she looked up at him, her emotionless eyes meeting the ones of his, filled with concern. "Yes, sir..." She mumbled in a quiet voice. Why would he be here? Did he truly care? Or was he just doing this to get closer to her, and stab her in the back? Mikasa shrugged that feeling off her shoulders. Rivaille wouldn't do that.

"Why are you here... alone? It's cold and you might get sick."He stared down into her eyes. He could tell what was on her mind just by the looks she was giving him, would he ever be able to fix her broken soul? It sounded helpless to him no matter how many times he'd try, she was still so far from him. He opened up to her, allowed her to know him perfectly, but she never did the same, she never let him in and he surely understands why. She wasn't ready to go through the same.

"It's obvious." Her voice was a meer whisper as she looked down to the dusty ground once more. She didn't want to stare at him. She didn't want to get close to him. She didn't want to go through the same thing, despite Rivialle being the most strongestsoldier. Eren was strong. But he still passed. She didn't want to Rivaille to pass either. She was basically bad luck in a human form. Everywhere she went, hell was unleashed. And she hated herself for it.

"Would you mind if I sat with you? I can't sleep either." He knew she wanted to be alone, yet he wasn't planning on letting her be. She would only get lonelier. Even if she told him to leave he wasn't going to anyway so without waiting to hear her answer, he sat down next to her.

Mikasa didn't answer. She only nodded in silence. She wasn't really in the mood to talk. In fact, she never really was. She was always the silent type, even towards Levi despite him always trying to cheer her up. "Thank you for trying..." She mumbled, she once again felt the feeling as if she was crying, again, no tears rolled down her cheeks. "But I don't know what I stand for anymore..."

"Listen, Mikasa... We might have lost Eren... But we still have to fight... For humanity's sake." Mikasa had always fought with full strength with only one goal on her mind, protecting Eren. But now that he no longer exists, Rivaille had to give her another reason... Another hope why she should still fight and never give up.

"I am useless now..." That was all she could manage to say. She wanted to leave. Maybe, she would see Eren someday, once more? She stared up at the stars, once again blocking out reality.

"That hurts my pride. Are you actually going to disappoint me after all I did for you?" He placed a hand over her head and made her look at him, keeping her from running away from reality.

"Perhaps." She began. "Because there is nothing for me to live for anymore. I lost the reason why I had to keep fighting. I have no reason to fight." She mumbled softly.

"You know you're stronger than that. You're precious, Mikasa... Just because you lost the one you love doesn't mean you should stop... Do you think Eren would be happy to see you like this? Do you think... Eren would give up if it was you the one who died?"

Mikasa's eyes widened. "P-Please... don't... talk about him..." She brought her knees to her chest and finally, felt the tears roll down her cheeks.

"How else are you going to get over it then? You're not the only one Mikasa... I too.. Lost everyone I had." He spoke as a picture of Isabel and Farlan flashed before his eyes, not forgetting about his whole squad for sure. "So many people, this is life... You live to see your love ones dying... Until you die." He patted her head gently.

"I-I can't... I lost too many people." Too many. That was the truth. Her fellow comrades of the 104th trainee squad that didn't survive Trost. Carla Jaeger. Mrs. Ackerman. Mr. Ackerman. And now, to top it off, Eren. Tears continued to run down her cheeks. Without thinking, she sobbed into Rivaille's chest, grabbing onto his shirt as she cried. She couldn't handle the pain. Mentally, emotionally, physically. She just couldn't.

Finally, he could finally hold her to him, at last he was able to hug her, to let her cry in his arms. Rivaille didn't waste a second to wrap his arms around her as tight as he could, his fingers tangled in her hair, stroking it slowly. "What if I promised you... That I'll always be by your side... Until the end... Until we die together? Will you trust me?"

Mikasa looked up to him, tears still rolling down her cheeks. "Y-Yes." Mikasa nodded. "I-I trust you. J-Just please... don't ever... leave me. P-Please."

"I won't... I promise." He reached his hands to wipe her tears off, caressing her cheeks gently, his gaze locked with hers.

Their gazes locked for a few seconds. Her eyes were wide, as a light shade pink invaded her cheeks. She gulped softly as she felt his touch.

Then their lips met.

The warmness of her lips pressed against his made his heart race. He wasn't dreaming, he wasn't imagining, she did kiss him and he could feel it. The pure happiness that was running in his heart and he, helplessly, closed his eyes to finally return the kiss.

It felt as if there were fireworks exploding in her body. Did she regain her soul? The reason to fight? Perhaps. The two kissed for a few more moments before she finally pulled away, gasping for breath. Her first kiss. And it was magical.

He would hold the kiss longer and maybe never end it if he could, but then she had to pull back. How cute she looked, the way she was breathing, the way her cheeks flushed and it was for him. Did he finally reach her heart? He wondered, letting a smile form on his face as he stared at her.

Mikasa gulped and wrapped her arms around his chest once more, laying her head on his chest. "I..." Mikasa mumbled, her eyes slowly closing as she felt the darkness starting to swallow her. Was it really this late? The girl dorms were much too far away, ages away perhaps. The closest room there was to their location was, seemingly and fortunately, Levi's room.

"Alright, you're tired." Rivaille held her to him and got up carefully, carrying her in his arms and walked, his legs were leading the way since his mind was busy thinking about her, his eyes wouldn't move away from her pretty, sleepy face.

Mikasa covered her lower face with her scarf, as she snuggled against the other as he walked. She let out small little breaths. She had finally fallen asleep for the first time since the accident.

He let out a sigh of relief, what a miracle! She had finally fell asleep in his arms and it only made him feel happier, she wasn't pushing him away anymore; she could finally trust him. And with that realization, Rivaille made his way to his room with a slight smile, not bothering to turn on the lights, he closed the door once he was in, walked to his bed and gently placed her down there. Giving her forehead a warm kiss, he hesitated at first but then decided to stay with her, so he did and lied down next to her, pulling the blanket over them both, watching her face closely.

Mikasa had a dreamless sleep, it was completely black. Well, of course, that's what she remembered. Her hands were still clinging onto Levi's shirt.

Rivaille had his hand resting on her waist for a while as he watched her, until he finally fell asleep. And he had pulled her even closer to him, holding her tightly in his arms. The two finally had a peaceful sleep after so long, it felt as if they just needed to be together so they could both feel safe and Rivaille has sworn since that night, he will always be with her. Never leave her alone, ever.

-Fin-


End file.
